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Poppychick04
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Name: Lynette
Birthday: 6/12/1986
Gender: Female
Interests: Swing dancing!!! It is the best form of dancing and everyone should learn how. CRU!!! Thursday's cru is the highlight of my week. Those two activities take up most of my free time that doesn't include school work of any sort. I go snowboarding everyso often and one day will actually get the nerve up to go off the jumps.
Expertise: Watching cartoons, putting puzzles together, making peanut butter cookies with Abby, spinning, spacing, and laughing.
Message: message me
AIM:  Poppychick04
Member Since:
2/22/2005
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| "you know you really love someone when you don't hate them for breaking your heart"
I want to hate you. I really do. I've tried to make myself. It would be so much easier. Because I can't erase you with another emotion I hope that you will at least fade. What does one do when the one person you still think of is the one person that has told you it will never be. And I'm not delusional. I don't doubt this fact. I know we will go our separate ways, never to cross again. Our few and far between comments will fade even more till nothing remains. But I can't help but believe he won't be easily forgotten. My almost happily ever after. It was almost perfect. I suppose one day I'll have the luxury of seeing the master design of it all. How each step was necessary to reach where I will be. But I also can't help but wonder how long that wait will have to be. Most of men that have made apperiences in my life it wasn't long before I knew it just wasn't right. It's just hard to wonder how I could finally fall for a great guy who was such a good friend and it not follow through. I think if I could only see the reason and logic behind it, I'd be able to accept it. But maybe that's the lesson. Maybe this is my Job experience. Seeming to have no acceptable reason to why. But I need to realize that I'm not God. I do not see the whole picture. It's not my place to ask why because it doesn't matter why. I need to take it on faith. Who am I to question God? Where was I when he layed the foundations of earth? So while I may not like it I will accept it. It's not always going to make sense but that doesn't change the fact that it happened. I'm sorry for holding on so tightly to this confusion and doubting you. I don't think I realized how much my faith depended on my ability to rationalize it. But that shouldn't be the case and so I cry for acceptance, not for the understanding of why.
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| I have never set in stone the events of my past heart aches and failures. Of course they are sealed within my memories but I feel compelled to write these events down before my memory starts to fail me. I feel for my age I've had a healthy amount of heart experiences. Not all wonderful but I don't regret the life I've lived. I wonder what I should consider for qualifications for this memoir of sorts. Should I include every crush that has filled my life or only those that have significantly impacted my life. Who is to say one is more important than others. Sure they were brief but at the time they still felt as important as any life or death situation. For I never fall half way. When I decide to have a crush, I commit. Well I haven't come to a full decision on this matter but felt I would at least start at the very beginning. In Kindergarten I recall my very first crush. His name was Christopher. I admit I don't recall anything else about him other than his name. My best friend at that time also had a crush on him. Maybe that's why I remember. It would set a pattern for my life. Maybe not a best friend but I've always had competition for whom every I've liked. I know everyone feels like there is competition but I've intentionally picked people thinking that no one else would have romantic feelings for them. That I didn't want them for obvious reasons but for unique cute personality features. I suppose others also were able to see them. Wait, I thought of an exception to this rule. Most of the time I never had competition when it came to the guys I dated. But then again most of the time I never dated those that I went after. I rarely would won those. Next chapter will jump ahead to...Oh...hehe, okay I know who would be next. Nothing too serious but definitely the next two importance. 7th grade. (okay so I've been watching a lot of crime investigation shows lately and do they really believe people wouldn't notice these giant rubber cords hanging down the back of their neck to their ear? I know they're clear but come on people. Slight divergence.) | | |
| I'm scared that because I'm not where I need to be that I might miss out on a great guy. Like I fear God will have him keep on walking since I'm still spiritually adrift. Now I know I can analyze that if that happens then he either wasn't the one of will come back when the time is right. But as we all are well aware of, I'm not the most rational person at times. And unfortunately as of right now I'm pretty far gone. I fell fast and hard. Everything I ever wanted seems to be there, on the surface at least. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what lies beneath. I love how every weblog I write in is completely different. I think in the end they balance out evenly but I know I didn't write the same thing tonight in any of them. I'm surprised too, it would have been much easier to copy and paste. I guess I'm having a few more issues than original expected. Amazing when you get so good at pretending that you even fool yourself. Or maybe you're the easiest to fool since you want to believe and wish for more than others.
I can't tell if there is love for patrick anymore or not. Perhaps that is a good thing. At least now there is doubt. I know I hate who he can be, will always love who he was, but what about who he is? I guess when I finally believe I'm in the presense of the real him I'll find out. I wish he was so different depending on who is present in his suroundings. But I suppose that's a common problem.
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| Hello again xanga. I haven't been here in a year. Everything has changed. I looked at my last entry and wow, yeah no. Deffinitely not still dating Travis. He's actually married now and doing great. It was a beautiful wedding. Very young and fun. Too bad it rained, didn't stop a few of us girls from dancing though. That was a lot of fun. Dancing in the rain trying not to slip in my heels hehe. That was the middle of the summer.
It is now the middle of fall semester of my Senior year. I'm dancing 5 times a week and am starting to feel exhausted. Worried I won't finish my classes to the point I'm starting to have dreams about coming to school with my stuff not done. But at least my dancing has improved and I'm really happy with it. My passion is now Blues dancing. Lindy will always be my first love but there is just something about the blues music and movement and connection that is unbeatable.
I'm still single, as usual. hehe. Of course there are crushes and guys that seem at times to have possibilities but nothing ever actually seems to pan out. Amazing how consistent that trend is.
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| I had my second official date on Wed. First time a guy that I just met actually asked me out for coffee, which was great as soon as it was changed to a smoothie. hehe. I also found out that I am horrible at answering questions about myself. I don't have a most defining moment and can't talk about my hobbies. But I know I can talk for hours about detail topics. Starting with what has been going on and slowly but surly peeling away the insignificant events to the growth God has allowed. And I have grown and thanks to Ashen and the five hours we spent talking yesterday I have been able to clearly see it.
The demands I now have for a guy actually point towards God. I now feel the need to be someone's first pick above all others. I need to know that if they could have anyone they would still pick me. Which is just like God. He wants us to pick Him, pick Him above every other thing or false religion. Hehe, oh I love it that we have emotions like Him. That it is a jealousy that I can relate to. Right now He is the only one I can trust to passionately love me as I should be. And I finally can begin to understand that it isn't just a father's love or wanting to protect me, which it is to some degree, but He LOVES me! He romantically woo's me and is passionate for me and wants me to be fully passionate for Him and His love. It's hard to see it sometimes but He does such beautiful little things all the time. One of my favorites is after the random rain storm, the smell, oh it's wonderful. And He comforts me so. He is the only one that has been able to sooth my aching heart and mends me every day. Thank you for even when I move away to love me enough to sometimes pull me close instead of waiting for me.
There are times when I get the feeling like I've met everyone and the fact that I'm still not dating my dream guy is despairing. And then out of no where to bring me back to perspective he lets me meet these amazing new friends and amazing guys. Who I'm pretty sure I will never date but knowing that they are out there and I never knew them till now reminds me that there's still alot of people I have yet to meet and alot of life that I can't even quite imagine. I'm 20 and going to be a junior in college. At times that feels like an infant and others as though I was rounding the last bend in my life. But in reality I am just beginning as neither a child and almost an adult. I need to enjoy what transition years I have left. As each moment passes God is gently changing me in preparation for what I am to be. But I need this long transition period to allow for the tiny steps necessary. He knows where I will end up but He's so lovingly gentle. | | |
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